We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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