I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
