I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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