I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
