I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
