Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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