My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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