i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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