He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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