Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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