my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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