This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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