Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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