it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
