I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
