I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
