I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
