I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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