im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
