remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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