this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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