His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
