I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
