I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
