thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize