nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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