if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just had sex bonerless
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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