Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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