Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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