R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
