shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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