That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
