You made me cry and you don't even care
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
