Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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