She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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