then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
