If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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