dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
