Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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