I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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