Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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