the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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