so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
