I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
