wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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