I look better un-naked...
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
