Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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