I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
