Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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