you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
