I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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