I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
