you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
