I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
