I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
